By now you'll be expecting an extremely negative year-end review by me, but oh no no no, that is not happening. Let's face it, 2008 has been a terrible year for music on the whole, hence all my scathing features, but it seems the festive season has instilled a sense of joy in me. So, here comes my positive spin on the Annual Gashlight Awards for 2008...

Best worst comeback

Verve - Forth
Keane - Perfect Symmetry
Indiana Jones & The Adventure Of Aliens Or Some Shit

Verve
We all know Ashcroft's solo material sounded like Ronan Keating with shit drum loops, so anticipation was high for Verve's return. One of the best vocalists in the world combined with one of the greatest guitaristsin the world once created one of my favourite albums ever with A Northern Soul, yet in 2008, with Ashcroft still off the smack (sadly) and happily married, what was shat out was a soulless collection of MOR dirge, with McCabe doing his trademark ambient widdling on top. Throw in a couple of textbook but vacuous Verve jams, and ballads with 80's midi piano, and you've got a bit of a shit sandwich really.

Keane
Nothing really needs to be said, apart from why so much praise for an A-Ha covers album? They're just too easy a target though, so I will leave it at that. Just bad sportsmanship otherwise.

Indiana Jones
Aliens? Tarzan? Fuck off.

The winner - Verve, purely because there was a faint glimmer of hope that they could be 1/10th as good as they used to be, yet they failed entirely. Impressive.

Award for Outstanding Achievement in Fucking Off Jeff Buckley Fans

That X Factor girl - 'Hallelujah'
Me and the writers of Flashlight - writing about how annoying Jeff Buckley fans are

X Factor Girl Well, we all knew what to expect with this one, didn't we, so for me it's just not that offensive. Quiet warbly bit followed by big string and choir crescendo. All-in-all, 8 out of 10 for annoying Buckley fans to the point of buying something for the second time. Quick tip to Buckley fans - don't listen to that girl's new version and it can't hurt you. Simple.

Me & Flashlight
Quite effective at aggravating the church of Buckley. I actually like his version of 'Hallelujah', but as mentioned elsewhere on Flashlight, it was a cover version - nothing to get precious over. There's only so revered a weasel voiced whiner with a piss-thin sound should be anyway, unless he dies young and becomes a God...meh he he, that sentence definitely put us in the running. That said, if someone did an inferior version of 'All Along The Watchtower', I'm sure Hendrix fans (and me) would feel wronged more than Dylan fans, as a good cover can make the song your own... Fuck it, I've just talked myself down - should I delete that last bit? No, balls to it, you need to understand my train of thought, and by toying with the fragile Buckley fans I am only increasing Flash/Gashlight's chances of winning this award. Biased as I may be we get a 9.9987 out of 10.

So the winner is clearly me and the Flashlight writers. Hurrah, finally the recognition we deserve. X Factor winner-girl - to be in with a chance of winning this next year, please make a cover version of 'Lover, You Should Have Come Over' your next single. And then make remixes by Basshunter of the aforementioned track your following 3 releases. With LOADS of autotune.

Most Superb Pile of Shit Committed To Record

Los Campesinos! - Hold on Now, Youngster.. The Killers - Day & Age

Los Campesinos!
Ok, we get it, you're like Bis but without having attempted to learn how to play your instruments / sing. Oh but you're so kooky...like Bis then.

The Killers
Following this oh-so-popular trend of guitar bands going electronic, The Killers did this with style and grace, going from guitar-poppers to U2 produced by Sash. Bravo!

The winner - Well, Sash is popular again at the moment so I'll jump on the bandwagon and say that The Killers are the most superb as they're so "in". Pray for a cover of 'Ecuador'...

Best Comedy Album

Flight Of The Conchords - Flight Of The Conchords
Morcheeba - Dive Deep

Flight Of The Conchords
Nothing needs to be said. Any album with a binary solo has got to be a winner. Plus, if you decode the binary, they're actually rapping about how they'd like to skullfuck the guitarist/songwriter from Morcheeba...

Morcheeba Slight confession - I haven't heard this album. Couldn't do it to myself. But I'm sure it will qualify for the 'I can't bear to watch / listen, Curb Your Enthusiasm type cringey comedy angle. I shall use my paranormal powers to channel some of the lyrics for your delectation:

"I remember wistfully looking at some hay / Ooooooooooone day / And it made me think that things were ok / Even with nasty people in the world, you know, like the Krays / Things have got to be nice when there's hay that can swaaaay-ay-ay"

And the winner is... Morcheeba (in theory), as they have no idea how ridiculous they are.

Supreme Accomplishment in the Field of Shite That I Haven't Had To Listen To

Natasha Bedingfield - Pocketful Of Sunshine
The Fratellis - Here We Stand

Bedingfield Well, your brother's a cockbearded-fuckwit and you're possibly more annoying as he at least had the decency to disappear, and your hip hop-lite beats aren't going to help matters. Satisfaction from not having heard - 9.5/10. Pocketful of shit. HA! I done a funny. I didn't even know she'd released anything until I looked on Wikipedia.

The Fratellis Please tell me that where you're standing is on a lone thread of cotton suspending you over a sea of spikes and glass. Sure it sounds just like their last album, so 6 out of 10 for not having heard it. They're just not worth my anger what with their pointlessness etc...

So the winner is Bedingfield!

Award For Best Question Asked In An Album Title

British Sea Power - Do You Like Rock Music?
The Kooks - Who'd like to kick the Kooks in the face?

...So, Do You Like Rock Music? Yes. But I also like Arcade Fire so why the fuck would I buy your pathetic apeing?

Who'd like to kick the Kooks in the face? Well, ok, that one was made up, but if they called their album this, they'd win this coveted prize. As is though, B.S.P. gone done it.

So that is the end of my awards ceremony for 2008. The possibilities are endless for potential winners in 2009. My money's on Hard Fi for most categories, with my predicted winner of the new Outstanding Effort In The Field Of Non-Shitness award being either Doves or Portishead, provided they actually manage to release new albums. Enjoy the festivities and I shall see you at the same time next year for the Annual Gashlight Awards.

Gashlight's views are its own, and do not necessarily represent the views of Flashlight Music. Though, in fairness, they quite often do.