Well what a bloody surprise. As regular as clockwork, just as Flashlight begins to get excited about decamping to Glastonbury for five days of soul sapping messiness, some boffin decides to break our spirits by declaring it likely that the festival will be hit by a monsoon. Genius. Dr Craig Wallace, from the University of Southampton, has apparently been studying for thirty years to piss us off. Or, rather, he's been studying computer models of the weather for 30 years. He says that two waves of monsson-type rain batter northwestern Europe each June - once at the start of the month (which it does with our blessing) - and once at the end. The lousy monsoony bastard.

As if this news wasn't irritating enough, the inept nerd can't even tell us why it happens. "It's so predictable it seems easy to understand - but it's not," he told The Times. Cheers, Wallace - if that is your real name. You just made the list. At least give us some closure. But wait...this isn't actually news at all, is it? You're not definitively saying it's going to happen this year, are you? In fact, you've been paid a probably not small amount of money to say that it has rained a lot in the past, but I don't know why. Awesome. It's kind of like us researching Keane's rubbishness for thirty years, but saying that we don't know why they're so rubbish, or whether they'll continue to be rubbish. Except we know why they're rubbish; because they're idiots. And we can definitively say they will continue to be so. Flashlight 1, Boffins 0.